It struck me yesterday that Remainers, those funny Brits who look to the EU the way religious zealots once looked to priests, are cut from the same cloth that gives us Social Justice Warriors, the Politically Correct Brigade, Social Workers and other do-gooders and busybodies. These are the same people who force boys to be treated like girls, who frighten girls with stories of toxic masculinity, who tell us gender is a social construct, who would put everybody on antidepressants if they could, who ruin school Sports Days by handing out participation awards to everyone and stealing achievement from winners, and who bully anyone who dares hold opinions not sanctioned by the High Priests of whichever ideology of the day gives them excuse to bully and shame society’s other members.

I won’t call them progressives or liberals. These titles give Remainers and others of the same cloth a sense of divine purpose that Victorian era missionaries would appreciate. Such titles promote the growth of warm queasy ‘something’ feelings in their bellies; the feelings they associate with pride and which fuel them to swan about the world with smug smiles on their faces; the same ‘something’ feelings that right-minded people know by the names Shame and Guilt. No, I won’t give them such misappropriated joy. I have something much better for them. I know exactly what Remainers feel their lives lack since the Brexit results came in.

An Apology to the Remainers

Dear Remainers,

We Brexiteers and all the rest of us tea-suppers in the United Kingdom offer you our sincerest apologies.

When the referendum results came in we Brexit voters did something terribly un-British. In our rush to celebrate the result, our win, and to plan for life after Brexit Day 2019 we completely forgot about your feelings.

No, no, dear Remainers, it wasn’t your reactions to the result that gave us mind to ignore your hurt. Though your insults, patronisations and projectile dummies flung at our brows gave us no reasons to sympathise with your angsts, we still should not excuse our own poor behaviour.

We get it. You lost. We won. We forgot to console you. We neglected to sooth your emotions. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

No Excuses

For a brief time after the delivery of the referendum result we Brexiteers watched your tantrums with amusement and tittle-tattled to each other behind your backs before we straightened our smiles and recomposed ourselves ready to move on with our lives, only occasionally leaning back into your world to give the odd prod to make sure the fires of angst still burned in your ideological hearts.

Yes, we are annoyed at the 5th Column like behaviour displayed by Europhiles and Remainers but we do feel your pain.

We forgive your trespasses against the country that nurtured you, that educated you, fed you, clothed you, took care of your health when you were sick, provided you work and provided you an income when you were out of work.

Given time we thought the many public platforms we gave you to stand on to unleash your tears might help you cry your little eyes out then pick yourselves up, give them a rub and join the rest of us as we sail into the future. Now we understand time alone, not even 2 years, is not enough to wear away your tears.

We had forgotten something important.

Forgive Us

We want you to know that with all said and done, we forgive you.

We hope — all of us hope — you can forgive us.

In our rush to enjoy the moment, to celebrate our win, to celebrate our escape from a political monstrosity, we forgot about your needs. We want to rectify our unkind oversight.

Attached to this apology is a gift for you and your fellow Remainer brothers and sisters. We hope you like our gift and show it with the pride we wish for you to derive from it.

Congratulations

Congratulations, dear Remainer. Your hard work, your tears and your arguments have been heard and felt by us all. You earned your Certificate of Participation. Display it with pride.

Please accept this Certificate of Participation issued with the greatest of heartfelt gratitude in recognition of your involvement in the United kingdom’s EU Referendum which was held in 2016 to decide the UK’s EU Membership question.

Your side may not have won the vote but you definitely played your part.

Brexit Participation Award for Remainers. Right-click to download.Download a Brexit participation certificate for the Remainer in your life here.

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